Gustafun

…like, really just punishing himself.

For the rest of them, go here

 

College basketball might just be my third favourite sport on the planet (number one is playoff hockey, number two is Slamball…duh). The game drew me in while I was living in the United States and cheering for the only Division I team to be named after another Division I team, the Duquesne Dukes (come to think of it, maybe they were named after Van Damme’s character in “Bloodsport”). This passion for collegiate basketball within the U.S. is why I fled the country as soon as possible

The nation in which I currently reside, Canada, shows minimal interest in college basketball until March Madness rolls around. Instead of turning me off college basketball, however, this dearth of media coverage has made my hunger for hoops that much more insatiable. Hopefully this preview, which is really three different previews for the three different types of college basketball fans, will help your appetite for the sport grow to Enraged Grizzly Bear-esque proportions.

Oh and if you don’t like college hoops there’s a “Dirty Work” reference and a gratuitous hot chick picture in here too. Boomshakalaka!

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Okay, we’ve been slacking recently, but we have good reasons for it–they involve William Redman being stranded in a motel in rural Kansas, details on that to come.

But today, everyone must read this NYT interview with Karl Rove. It’s patently absurd. Especially this part:

Q: Are you going to send him a little note congratulating him?
A: I already have. I sent it to his office. I sent him a handwritten note with funny stamps on the outside.
Q: What kind of funny stamps?
A: Stamps.

Wow, what a thrill ride of a week its been since that semi-dark skinned guy was elected president. Racism has been contained and only exists at Lehigh University, the DOW is 8000 points higher than zero, both wars have ended according to the New York Times and gas prices are low enough to fuel my suped up monster truck. B-Rock is the man.

Things are so good and I am so excited about this historic moment that I need to remember it. The problem is is that it’s such a pain in the ass to have to try an remember all these historical events. I know what your going say; “But Doyle how are you going to remember such a historic moment?” Two words; commemorative coins.

Thats right, Barack Obama commemorative coins, the ultimate luxury item for all those people looking to remember the moment purple drank became the official beverage of the nation. The best part is that it’s not $99.99 or $49.99 or even $10.99.  They are only four easy payments of $2.74. Amazing! A dollar coin for only four payments of $2.74! I’m going to remember the shit out of this historical moment with this mother fucking badass commemorative coin! Fuck yea! AMURICA RULES!

This is a really cool idea: Too bad the same team employs Vince Carter.

Internet game for political nerds: Chuck Hagel or Jack Reed for Defense Secretary. WHO WILL YOU CHOOSE?

Ouch: We suspect this is The DJ’s new career path.

Its time for the first weekly post of “Real Products, New Slogans” where I will share new slogans to real products. Slogans that we all know would work 257times better than the crap they put out there themselves.

Jergens. That lovely lotion with the funny sounding name. It is all too familiar to any junior high, high school, or college kid who is a little lonely and not getting help from anyone anytime soon.

Take this fine product for example. Skin Firming Body Wash?? we all know skin will be nice and firm when using this product, and what is done would not be classified as washing. Maybe cleaning of pipes perhaps.

Take this sweet product. Soothing Aloe Relief. Ohhhhh its soothing. I’m not sure what the aloe does to senstive skin but it feels great. When finshed with this sweet product there is definitly relief and a mess and shame if caught using it.

So the only sensible slogan Jergens should use is obvious. Jergen’s keep on ‘Jergen’

The only two videos you need to see today:

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

 

George W. Bush is about to end his historic presidency on a note so low it sounds like a baritone taking a dump in a cave. George, or “W” as he is affectionately referred to by his supporters who were born sans cerebral cortex, has left in his presidential wake a “catastrafuck” so absurdly huge, it makes the Monica Lewinsky scandal look like a sexual affair between a married man and a younger woman.

Much of the aforementioned catastrafuck can be traced back to a simple flaw in W’s brain. This part of the brain was probably amputated and destroyed by Budweiser and cocaine in the 1970’s. It is this flaw that differentiates the last eight years of the W presidency from any other preceding Republican administrations. And it goes a little something like this…

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Unfortunately, in America, there are two extremes when it comes to taxation policy. And what is sadder is that one is blatantly correct and the other blatantly gives Karl Marx orgasms in his grave. Of course what I’m talking about is the tax policy of George W. Bush, hailed by Sean “I don’t have a college degree” Hannity and the tax policy of B. Hussein Obama which will do nothing but destroy America as we know it. I mean listen to my main man Sean speak intelligently about contemporary economic issues:

Can you argue with that? No. You can’t. Because it’s soundproof. Duh.

Here, presented in diagram form, are the two inevitable outcomes of enacting good policy vs. shitty socialist dictatorial Stalinesque European egghead elitist Islam policy.

As you can clearly see, the wealth that remains in the pockets of those who have earned it trickles down to their daughters, which trickles down to MTV in the form of ad revenue from the program My Super Sweet Sixteen which is watched by millions of Americans who then stimulate competition in preparation for their own sweet sixteen. Bulletproof.

As anyone with two eyes and a spine can clearly see in this diagram, wealth that is forcibly and maliciously extracted from whites is then given to non-white criminals. The non-white criminals then capitalize on the depression of white women who are unable to be fulfilled because their patriarch cannot provide them with lavish goods at a young age. In conclusion all white people in America are killed on the BET Channel while William Ayres, B. Hussein Obama and Reverend Wright have gay sex with each other while performing abortions in the White House which is now heated by burning bibles.

 

I’ve taught you about a lot of different things, ranging from suits to coupons, now on to something that will really make you seem like an adult:  a personal library.  For most of your life, reading was something that was forced on you by your teachers.  You hated them for it and still resent them.  But guess what, it’s time to grow up and start reading on your own.

  

Now I’m sure you are asking yourself how you go about starting a personal library, well the DJ here is going to show you how.

 

First task is to buy a bookshelf to hold the books you are going to buy.  Doesn’t need to be flashy, just something to hold your books.  Since you make no money and the money you do have you would rather spend on books, just go to Target or Meijer and pick out a simple looking bookshelf.

 

 

 

OK, so you have your bookshelf and now it is time to fill it.  Since you have probably never really bought a book before for leisure reading, I will give you some ideas based on your major in college.

 

 

Communications

 

 

This is the ideal book for the Comm major.  If you want to learn new marketing and advertising techniques, read this book.  It is written by well respected industry leaders and has great advice for young, up-and-coming workers like yourself.

 

Economics/Math

 

Now anyone could read this, and I suggest you do, but to understand its true beauty it would be best if you were an econ or math major.  In short the book deals with regular day situations and applies advanced econ and statistical measures to them.  Example:  One chapter shows that abortion helps lower crime rates.  Want to know more?  Well then read the book damn it.

 

History/Political Science

 

 

Want to read a book about political espionage that isn’t written by Tom Clancy?  Then pick up a copy of Confessions of an Economic Hitman.  It deals with the story of a man who was enlisted by the US to fraud foreign governments out of billions of dollars which in turn caused those governments to be under the control of the US.  Great read and if believed to be true* then it explains a lot about where we, as in the US, are in the world today.

 

*originally said completely factual but parts of the book have since been disputed under odd circumstances, even more reason to read the book now I guess

 

Science/Pre-Med

 

 

I have never actually seen this book but the signs of it existing are everywhere.  Talk to a science or pre-med major at any point while in or out of college and they will do nothing but bitch about how hard school is right now.  I want to go on a rant here about how that these people look like dicks for complaining since they picked that major but that is for another post another time.

 

Alright, that’s it and that’s all for this edition of the survival kit.  I’m off to read more advanced books than you do.